Mr. Right Does Not Exist


Newsflash: Mr Right Does Not Exist!!       

I can hear you gasp already. She’s a singles coach, she got married after 15 years of searching, she supports us in finding happiness. Yes I am, yes I did and yes I do which is why I want to us get rid of this illusion of Mr Right.

You may notice that I very rarely use the term “Mr Right” in any of my blog posts or social media posts because it just makes me cringe. The only time I do use it is to help others understand what I do in terms they are used to.

So why am I so against the label Mr Right (and by default Ms. Right)?

To me Mr. Right implies that you are searching for a guy who is the perfect package and who will fill that hole in your life. It’s become synonymous with ridiculous expectations, unhelpful fantasies and undue pressure on you to find the absolute be all and end all guy who fulfils everyone's requirements.  It turns into a fear of settling because what if this guy isn’t "Mr Right" but just Mr. Right Now who is available and willing to get married?

It elevates the ordinary single Muslim guy to the position of destiny-fulfiller, finished product and can-do-no-wronger which is a lot of hope to pile one  human being.

Yes you need the right guy but you also need to be in the right place emotionally, spiritually and mentally to receive him. It's a process and state of being rather than a miraculous chance meeting. You could be standing next to a man who is a great match for you but not be in a position to recognise or receive him.

When sisters approach me and when I work with clients very often they come to me in a state where they are emotionally and spiritually spent. They feel defeated . They’ve tried everything to find the right guy and nothing has worked. By the time sisters arrive in my inbox they have (as I did) met literally hundreds of guys, one after the other, waiting for that click, those "butterflies", that "feeling". I can hear the panic in their voices as if they are standing on the edge of a cliff ready to jump if they don’t get married by their next birthday.

By  that time the focus has become on just finding the a guy and getting on with it.

Actually the goal is to find the guy with whom you can both create marriage you desire. To find the guy who will treat you with the respect and honesty you deserve and offer him. To find a guy who will participate in an equally reciprocated partnership with you and give you the companionship and togetherness you both require. A man with whom you can grow together and accept each others' faults without judgement.

It may sounds cheesy but it's true. Take a look at your list of emotional needs from a marriage and reword it from "he must have/be able to..." to "we should be able to.... for each other".

Rather than finding the elusive Mr Right the focus has to be on growing and nurturing the perfect mental and emotional environment to receive and accept a guy who can share these things with you. To use a metaphor it's about nurturing the ground from which to grow something beautiful rather than finding a fully grown plant.

To run yourself ragged going on date after date, panicking, fretting and worrying that you might never find Mr. Right, hoping that you will find a guy who ticks all the boxes and then everything will magically fall into place will never result in anything more than anxiety, insecurity and despair..

To nurture yourself and create physical, emotional and spiritual space, to receive from a place of security, confidence and healthy vulnerability will result in something much deeper, longer lasting and fruitful with any number of amazing guys you meet along the way.

The moment you are in this place the magic happens!

Soraya Soobhany-Chohan